Another Generic Blog

A Moment of Silence, Please...

2005-08-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

Squidi.net, home of A Modest Destiny, is closing. I only found out about it very recently, and by then it was already closing down, but still, the humor of this will never continue... at least, not on the 'Net. DOWNLOAD THE ARCHIVES WHILE YOU CAN!

I think I hear Taps playing...

The Best Book Cover I Have Seen Since... Um... Ever

2005-05-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

I love the expression on Jason and Marcus's faces there. Classic.

The Funniest Song Ever Written

2005-05-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard, and much to my dismay,
The sign was torn and tattered from a storm the night before.
The wind and rain had done its job and this is what I saw:

Smoke Coca-Cola Cigarettes
Chew Wrigley's Spearmint Beer
Ken-L-Ration Dog Food Makes Your Complexion Clear
Simonize Your Baby With A Hersey's Candy Bar
And Texaco's The Beauty Cream That's Used By All The Stars

Soooooo...
Take Your Next Vacation In A Brand New Fridgidaire
Learn To Play Piano In Your Winter Underwear
Doctors Say That Babies Should Smoke Until They're Three
And People Over Sixty-five Should Bathe In Lipton Tea...

Luke Warm!

50 Things to Do While the Power is Out

2005-05-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

1. Light candles
2. Juggle candles
3. Juggle lighted candles
4. Learn to recite the Magna Carta backward from memory
5. Read “War and Peace” by Leo Tolstoy
6. Write an essay on “War and Peace” by Leo Tolstoy
7. Take a bathroom break… a really long bathroom break
8. Play Jedi using flashlights as lightsabers
9. Visualize your favorite movie scene inside of your mind
10. Listen to your battery-powered radio
11. Utilize the darkness to catch up on your beauty sleep
12. Practice your times tables
13. Attempt to fix the power lines yourself using only duct tape
14. Hum “Penny Lane” under your breath until your friend gets really annoyed and leaves the room
15. Crack your knuckles
16. Play Tiddly-Winks with half of the tiddly-winks missing
17. Practice your real smooth cheerleading moves
18. Play “Chopsticks” on an out-of-tune piano
19. Tune an out-of-tune piano
20. Sue the power company
21. Sue the lightning that caused the power to go out
22. Sue God
23. Sue yourself
24. Eat cold canned ravioli
25. Bite all your chocolate bunnies’ heads off
26. Practice your Darth Vader impression
27. Write a story, preferably one about either Armageddon or pink penguins
28. Drive to Starbucks for some coffee
29. Drive to Starbucks to insult the people who work there
30. Drive to Starbucks to protest by drinking an ordinary cup o’ joe on the premises
31. Draw a picture of aliens attacking Indianapolis
32. Make music with your pots and pans
33. Complain
34. Using your cell phone, make crank calls to Pizza Hut
35. Tap dance
36. Sit under a tree in your backyard and watch the world go by
37. Wire a bomb out of ordinary household cleaning items
38. Go to your local drive-in and watch a really bad monster movie
39. Go to your local drive-in and make fun of a really bad monster movie
40. Invade France
41. Commit suicide
42. Brush your teeth
43. Start your own small business
44. Steal the secret recipe for Coca-Cola
45. Change your shower head
46. Write a depressing poem
47. Do the chicken dance
48. Twiddle your thumbs
49. Paint a picture that only you understand
50. Do absolutely nothing

We're Not Shameless (Buy Our Product or We'll Steal Your Soul)

2005-04-25T19:18:00.001-07:00

Blogs are supposed to be internet journals made by actual people. They are supposed to be observations made by the person.

And no, advertisements do not count as observations. And no, robots do not count as people.

Unfortunately, corporate types often take advantage of the free "blogging" feature offered by Blogger and pretend that advertisements and robots do count as observations and people, simply because they know that their company will then show up on Google.

And they're not even advertisements. Oh no, that would take too much work! Instead, they use words. Words that when people type them on Google, their advertisements will show up-perhaps at the top of the list, if they use the same words over and over enough. When it all boils down to it, this is a form of spam.

And we all know how much spam SUCKS, right? (Don't listen to the Vikings, they're lying.)

That's my other two bits. And now, another review/fake mathematical problem: Blogs + Advertisements = Spam. Once again, 'nuff said.

Lime Time

2005-04-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

I've been noticing recently that the Coca-Cola company has been really pushing its Coke with Lime. Now I'm not saying that this is a bad thing or anything, but it raises an obvious question:

Why?

I don't know about anyone else, but I certainly don't want lime in my Coca-Cola. Think about it: Lime is a tropical fruit, and it is generally either sour (in its regular form) or excessively sweet (in the form of lime juice). Coca-Cola is the #1 most popular soft drink, and it is widely known that it is not particularly sweet-at least less than its runner-up and constant competitor, Pepsi. In fact, I never really liked Pepsi, due to the fact that I thought it was-gasp!-too sweet. So, if many Coke fans like Coke better for the same reason I do, then Coke with Lime will probably not sell very well.

Let's review: Coke + Lime = A Product Not In Good Taste. 'Nuff said.

A Joke

2005-04-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, two people are sitting on a park bench.

One asks the other, "What are you doing?"

The other responds, "Trying to break a leg bone I got from a pet store."

"Why?"

"I'm practicing to be a doctor."

"But doctors fix bones, not break them!"

"You have to break a bone before you can fix it."

Generic Text Game

2005-04-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

What follows is a transcript of interaction between EINOO and COMPY 486.

Loading monitor junk...
Booting up hard drive...
Configuring duck floppies...
Dancing the tango...

WELCOME TO DAWWSSSSSS!

Do something:>textgame

Bad command or filename

Do something:>textgame

Loading Generic Text Game!

============================================================
GENERIC TEXT GAME
Created by Mick Rogers and Joshua J. Johnson
©1985 Geeks Entertainment
============================================================

A Big Old Cathedral
You are standing in the middle of a big old cathedral, probably about 45 meters in diameter. Exits are to the NORTH, SOUTHWEST, and UP. You know, like a thing up to the attic? It’s that sort of thing. I don’t know why it would be in a big old cathedral, but it’s just a text game. Relax.
There is a dagger on the ground here. Oh, and a piece of lint.

>left
Use actual compass directions, jerk.

>take dagger
Wouldn’t you rather have the lint?

>take dagger
Are you sure? The lint is pretty cool.

>take dagger
Really? Really really?

>Take. The. Dagger!
Fine. Have your stupid dagger: Taken.

>up
You go up! You float up, because there is no rope. It’s just a text game. Relax.

Attic
You’re in an attic. There really is nothing special here except a trunk.

>open trunk
You open the trunk. There’s some sort of cloak thing inside the trunk.

>take it. d
Gotcha. You have taken the cloak thing.

You go down. Like, Down. Because there is no rope, you fall. You don’t die. It’s just a text game; relax.

A Big Old Cathedral

>sw
You go southwest.

Some Room
You are in some room. Like a room. You know what a room is, right? Also, exits are NORTHEAST and UP. This time there are stairs up. Just because it’s a text game doesn’t mean we can slack off. And you thought we were lazy!

>eat stairs
Uh, EAT the stairs? You need a mental home, man. Or like a duck. Did you know that ducks are the leading cause of sanity? Or was that tobacco? Sorry, I’m rambling.

>up
Up, up, up, up, up the stairs you go...
And then, you come to:

The Tunnel
In here there is an eerie green glow. Ha, I’m learning to write cool stuff to fill in space. Like descriptions. Like it? I think I could write the greatest American novel. Or at least the next one. You can go DOWN and LEFT-um, WEST.

>d
You can’t go down, but this is a text game. Relax.

>w
You go left-um, west.

Tunnel Again
You are still in that tunnel. You remember that, don’t you? The tunnel runs EAST-WEST.
There is a giant goblin thing trying to eat you here.

>kill goblin thing with dagger
You only manage to scratch the goblin thing.

>again
You this time you managed to giving the goblin thing some blood coming out.

>put on cloak thing
You put on the cloak thing. You might think it looks cool, but we know better. You look like an idiot.

The goblin thing tries to use his goblin hypno-ray on you. You become pretty confused.

>kill goblin thing with dagger
OK, you take off the cloak and stick the dagger in the ground. Hey, you were confused! It made sense at the time.

>yell
You yell, and take the dagger and attack the goblin thing (you’re confused, remember?). The goblin gets a spear in his belly. You rock, man (or woman, as the case may be). I think you win 45 points!

>status
You have 45 points out of 150. This gives you a rank of kind of a little bit stupid but also awesome-ish.

>save
SAVED as NOGOBLIN

>credits
Writing: Mick Rogers
Programming: Mick Rogers (part-time) and Joshua J. Johnson
Actual Work: Joshua J. Johnson
Macintosh port: Matt "Too Much Time on His Hands" Porter
Distribution: Geeks Entertainment (A Proud Subsidiary of Videlectrix, Inc.)
Special Thanks To:

Charles Schulz
Rick Moranis
Steve Jobs
Lem Sportsinterviews
Monty Python
Emmett "Doc" Brown
The Beatles
Big Bird (just kidding)
Everyone else I probably missed (If I missed you, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a text game. Relax.)

>quit
Quitter.

Do something:>shutdown

Shutting down...

Now that I’m off, you can get a life. Go on a date or something.

MST3K DVD Set!

2005-04-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

No, it's not a 1337speak spelling of "mystic", it's Mystery Science Theater 3000! The premise of this TV show is that a guy is up in a satellite orbiting a planet/moon/whatever. Him and his robot friends (Tom Servo and Crow) make fun of cheesy, low-budget movies while sitting through them (oh, the agony!). This would probably work better if the show itself wasn't cheesy and low-budget. But that detracts only slightly from its awesomeness, and I GOT A DVD SET OF IT! I ordered it in March and it arrived yesterday. It's volume seven, the movies are:

Hercules Unchained

Hercules Versus the Moon Men (you can't make this stuff up!)

Prince of Space

The Killer Shrews

You can probably find a video of two of this stuff at your local Blockbuster. If you haven't heard of it, shame on you.

-Einoo

PS: The Movie Sign still gives me nightmares.

Public Service Announcement

2005-04-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

There is no cure for mnemonics, and foreign milk and salad may be contributing to the problem. Everyone should chip in to help us prevent this odd, bee-shaped sausage link. Prices as low as $245.59 can help save the runaway chocolate truffles. Call, write, or email today at 1-800-FISHSTICKS. If you are suffering from acute, obtuse or ungrateful mnemonics, you can get help from the Thorax Corporation. Look them up in the phone book, or peruse their floppy green website at www.thoraxcorp.com.

Around the World in Eighty Titles

2005-04-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been reading Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne. Here are some alternate titles:

Around the World in the Square Root of Six Thousand Four Hundred Days

Around the World in Less Than a Million Days

Around the World in Six Million, Nine Hundred Twelve Thousand Seconds

Around the World in Less Time Than We'd Like

Around the World in a Certain Amount of Time That is Equal to Eighty Periods, Each Period Equaling Twenty-Four Hours

Around Half the World in Forty Days, and Then Around the Other Half in Forty More

Circumnavigating the Only Large Space Sphere We Know of That Supports Life in Six Billion, Nine Hundred Twelve Million Milliseconds

And, last but not least...

Phileas Fogg Gets Chased by Wackos Who Think he is a Bank Robber!

Why Blogs Suck, or The First Real Post

2005-04-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

"So, how about those..."

This is a phrase used mostly in stand-up comedy. So why does it show up in some way or form on blogs? More ofthen than not, it's because THE AUTHOR IS NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE ORIGINAL. I know originality is difficult, but they could have picked an infinitely better style to copy. Stand-up comedy is just not that good! There are plenty of other formats that work just fine. That's why I've decided to show you a couple of the many different types of humor out there.

INCONGRUITY is funny. Let's say you have something normal, say a dinner party. Then, you introduce a completely ridiculous and inappropriate element, say, a meal disgusting to the point of vomiting (like McDonalds) or a giant fire that nobody seems to notice. You have created something funny. This even works with a phrase, like "affordable penguin" and "nuclear refrigerators".

An example from an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus:

Chapman: Trouble at mill.
Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Cleveland: Pardon?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.
Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?
Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang]

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

[The Inquisition exits]

STUPIDITY is funny. When someone is idiotic to the point of suffering of others, they are usually pretty funny. For example, pretend someone's boss told them that they needed to shred some papers, but the client interpreted this as trying to eat them, that's funny... BUT only if done the right way. The trick with this kind of funny is to make sure that the person's stupidity is enough that he does crazy things, but not so much that you can't identify it. The comic strip "Dilbert" pulls off this sort of humor rather well.

Anyway, as you see, humor is basically just rediculous ideas, and thus stand-up comedy goes a bit against this natural fact, and thus bloggers should STOP COPYING IT. PERIOD. So now, go off and either praise me or flame me. The truth is, I don't really care.

Welcome

2005-04-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I am now jumping on the bandwagon and creating a blog. That's right, a bulletin board where nerdy losers whine about their pathetic lives and how nothing seems to go their way! If you have any objections, well too bad. I have to go now and do something else. See ya!